What Is the Secret to Becoming Autonomous When You Are in a Codependent Relationship?
Question by Eccentric Dad: What is the secret to becoming autonomous when you are in a codependent relationship?
I am the one who is addicted to my wife and my wife is the one who is dependent of me. How do I overcome my addiction to my wife and force her to become independent so I can gain some autonomy and live my own life?
I wasn’t always addicted to my wife (or at least I don’t think I was); instead I was addicted to porn, sex, caffeine, sugar, tv, video games, and fashion. I think I might be using the word “addicted” too loosely though because a lot of that was just my preferences and my hobbies; but some of those things did interfere with my life (porn, caffeine, sugar, and video games for an example) and right now the only addiction I have that I can’t fight off is my addiction to my wife…
My wife and I are both introverted. What this means is we prefer solitude to partying because partying is over-stimulating and overwhelming; we recharge our batteries in isolation or the company of few with fewer simultaneous stimulations. But my wife takes this to a very unhealthy level, she will spend so much time alone doing HER hobbies (Facebook games, chatting with her SAHM friends, playing on her phone, perfecting our taxes or home finances, ancestry, scrap-booking, etc) that she doesn’t spend any time with me or our kids (11 years old and 7 years old). Meanwhile, I am addicted to trying to fix her dysfunction and keep coming to her to tell her that she is spending TOO MUCH time alone and she needs to come take over some of the home chores or parenting because I need a break; which never works because she won’t get off of the computer so I end up having to do everything myself (seriously, she doesn’t clean or watch the kids).
The way my wife depends on me is after she spends 4 hours on the computer, she still isn’t “calmed down” after her busy day at work and then expects me to rub her back and scratch her back to calm her down after a long day at work (I work too mind you and she does nothing for me; not even give me my much needed solitude). If I choose not to rub/scratch her back, she tells me I’m a bad husband and manipulates me into doing it anyways. She also depends on me to go do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, and parenting; she says that she’s too anxious to shop (being around people), she cooks sometimes but not enough, she rarely cleans and has low expectations, and she won’t parent because she doesn’t want to be accountable for the parenting mistakes if we do something wrong and eff them up. Basically, my wife has fear issues. I have fear issues too, but I will try to use logic to talk myself out of them; she won’t even do that, even if the odds are a million to one, she will still avoid it because in her mind she will be the one and not part of the million. She is a pessimist, I am an optimist; but I am sick of giving her ALL my energy and leaving myself none…
I also am addicted to my kids. They need me to do just about everything for them and even my 11 year old has a hard time doing basic human functions. Given, my 11 year old has autistic and adhd tendencies, but even autistic and adhd kids can learn how to be autonomous. My 7 year old can’t even flush her own toilet without my “help”, and disciplining her only ends up in an over-stimulating and overwhelming power struggle where she cries and gives me a killer migraine and then acts out if I stand my ground.
So how do I become less intertwined with my wife and my children and become more autonomous, independent, and in control of my life? My wife refuses to seek help for her avoidant behavior and she refuses to help with these overly dependent children.
For those who are about to suggest this: I have already tried just doing NOTHING for anyone else and living my own life but that just ends up causing the dishes to be a week behind, no one showers or bathes, meals aren’t cooked (we eat fast food instead), laundry is not washed, homework is not finished, and toilets aren’t flushed. Basically, if I don’t do the majority of the work around here, nothing gets done…
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Best answer:
Answer by Man-eating WOMBAT
You raise a couple of very different issues and I feel that you should ask about your children’s behavior separately in the parenting section:
http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/index;_ylt=AvlLHpj.2JBW6HWunykdNbmxDH1G;_ylv=3?sid=396546050
Your children are partially learning from your wife’s behavior.
Neglect of children is extremely typical of people with Personality Disorders.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder
Child neglect is actually a form of child abuse and it should not be tolerated in anybody.
Would you continue with this relationship if your wife were beating your children? Because neglect from her is just as mentally damaging.
That’s really a sign of a person who simply lacks the ability to empathize or care about the needs of others.
1) You need to talk to a child/family therapist right away.
Although there is little you can do about you wife’s mental health issues (since clearly she has no desire to change.) There is much that you can do about getting your children’s behavior in hand.
Dealing with children with autistic spectrum problems is particularly challenging and you need to enlist the help of a child therapist. I’m not exactly an expert about parenting.
Personally I would deal with your wife’s behavior by moving out and taking the kids with you. She is perfectly capable of feeding, clothing, and shopping herself. She simply has no incentive.
People with codependency issues typically feel a strong ego-motivated desire to “rescue” or “fix” others’ problems. Of course they also seek out situations where they will never be thanked or rewarded for doing so. This is actually a form of “projection.” In other words, you are projecting your own desire for “rescue” onto other people. In other words, since I can’t love myself, at least I can fell good about myself by saving someone else. Let me point out that you wife doesn’t need your help. YOU need YOUR help.
Since you personally describe having difficulty dealing with her manipulation and temper tantrums, I suggest you move out instead.
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